Mark Time, author of ‘Going Commando’and himself a former Royal Marines Commando, shares ten entertaining facts about life in this most elite of institutions.
‘Basic training’ is not basic
32 weeks basic training may seem a long time. When you are undertaking it, it feels even longer. However, it is necessary to turn a civilian into a Royal Marines Commando. Many people ask how hard it actually is. The simplest analogy is “think of the hardest thing you could ever do – then double it”.
Being camouflaged isn’t sexy
While the stereotypical film shot sees the hero blend seamlessly into the background, it doesn’t show the discomfort of sweating like a cheap beef salad while lying awkwardly in spiky gorse bushes, with twigs, leaves and broken branches scraping and scoring your skin, leaving you feeling like you have been mistreated by a sexually frustrated Laburnum.
You become bilingual
Royal Marines talk “Jackspeak” – a Naval lingo where toilets are “heads”, and steak-and-kidney puddings “babies heads”. Conversely, actual heads become “grids”, “nappers” or “fat ones”. Confounded family members wonder why you are suddenly unable to speak “normally”. Even today, I still struggle to construct a sentence without using the word “hoofing”, “chad”, or “essence”.
Wanderlust is in your job description
You will visit places you have not yet heard of, but this is no holiday. You will not be deceived by tourism’s mendacious attractions but instead will have your senses sledgehammered by brutal, unfiltered surroundings. You will see such poverty and suffering that you will return home to feel exasperated by the complaints of those who live within the slothful ignorance of their cosseted existence.
Like sleep? You’ll learn to love it
When on operations, discard the concept of time. You are either working or not. When you work, your body is put through such stress and trauma that once you have down time, once administration is complete, sleep becomes your best friend. Take it while you can. You never know when you will next get the chance.
Like food? Read my last
Speed eating becomes a survival instinct; indigestion indicates fulfilling this most important of tasks. When the fatigued body requires refuelling, noxious foodstuffs become epicurean delights. Leaving food is as taboo as having a dirty weapon. Don’t do it.
You will become an aficionado of fancy dress
A Royal Marine’s locker is the chipboard gateway to his soul. It smells of aftershave, shaving foam and toothpaste. As sure it will contain a green beret, it will also be home to Lycra dresses, tutus, togas, superhero capes, and in my case a pantomime camel costume. “Silly rig” – fancy dress – is as much engrained into corps culture as the 28th October anniversary date.
You WILL lose at Spoof
Spoof is the unofficial, yet mandatory drinking game of the Royal Marines. To succeed, you need the numeracy of Einstein combined with a champion winning poker face. A composite of chance, bluff, and bravado, to lose will mean a forfeit that ranges from a round of drinks to receiving a “chad” tattoo.
An expert on the piste? Norway will bring you down to earth – literally
Forget the pressed, manicured slopes of ski resorts. Skiing in Norway, where natural unevenness caused by -40°C winds ensures that when carrying 60kg on your back you fall as if been shot. Weight drives your head further into the snow, frustrated abuse muffled by frozen grass. Baby ostrich legs attempt to stand while skis are eager to continue without you. Tentatively, you set off again, knowing that the experience will be repeated as soon as you hit anything that could be dismissed as “a bump”.
You will wear more heads than Wurzel Gummidge
Depending on government expectation, in one instance you and your brothers in arms become bastions of decency, regaled in dress uniforms to the glee of London tourists; the next you will be carrying out man’s most violent acts before metamorphosing into social workers with a handkerchief and weapon while on humanitarian missions. Learn to embrace diversity.